So it's been two months now. Two months since my life changed drastically. I still think about him everyday. Sometimes the weight of it all sits on my chest. I've fallen into a painfully exact routine. Every morning I wake up at 11:30 I drink exactly 2 cups of coffee, taking exactly one hour. Then I usually sit outside and tan while reading a book. Then I shower. I wash my hair and shave every other day. After I always apply lotion and body spray.(On my days off I paint my nails and pluck my eyebrows).Then I head off to work. Work all night long. Come home around midnight, watch TV until the last episode of the Nanny then go to bed and start all over again. I spend so much time with myself its suffocating. I never thought I would get annoyed with my own company! And its not that I don't have friends. I went out dancing the other night(fun times) but for the sake of my health and my wallet I cant go out all the time. Hell one of my new favorite activities is going to the movie alone and bawling my eyes out in the back (Time Travelers Wife: serious tear jerker!)
But this is not the point of this blog. This is simply a back story to my anxiety. So me and Mr. Perfect still talk every night...well every night until recently. We are living in this disgusting illusion of friendship. And I must say...It is seriously taking its toll on my emotional health. See the problem with this rosy picture that he tries to paint is that....Im in love with him. I dont want to be friends with someone that I love. If I were ever to find out he was with someone else....oh lordy. I mean I know its bound to happen, hes not going to be alone forever. But I dont want to talk to him about it. I want to hear something like that through rumors. Not from the horse's mouth.
And to make matters worse, we went out last week. It was sooooo hard. All night I was looking at him with such love. Damn Yall he is handsome. So very handsome. Then when the night was over I kissed him. I know, I know, I'm just adding to my suffering. But I couldnt help it. Then something crazy happened! He told me he loved me. That is the first time he has said it in two long months. What does it mean?!
Well anyway back to the anxiety. So for the next few days things fell back into the pattern of "friendship". But for the past three days I have gone with no phone calls. Three long nights of wondering. Three long nights of telling myself that this is for the better.
Deep down inside I know that even though my life is lonely now soon there will be someone else. Deep down inside I know that I deserve something better. So now comes the hard part of discerning what I want, and what I need. And all the while I cant stop thinking that he hasnt called me for the last three days because he has found someone else. And that just makes me feel empty.