Thursday, August 27, 2009

Pressure-Cooked Friendship

So it's been two months now. Two months since my life changed drastically. I still think about him everyday. Sometimes the weight of it all sits on my chest. I've fallen into a painfully exact routine. Every morning I wake up at 11:30 I drink exactly 2 cups of coffee, taking exactly one hour. Then I usually sit outside and tan while reading a book. Then I shower. I wash my hair and shave every other day. After I always apply lotion and body spray.(On my days off I paint my nails and pluck my eyebrows).Then I head off to work. Work all night long. Come home around midnight, watch TV until the last episode of the Nanny then go to bed and start all over again. I spend so much time with myself its suffocating. I never thought I would get annoyed with my own company! And its not that I don't have friends. I went out dancing the other night(fun times) but for the sake of my health and my wallet I cant go out all the time. Hell one of my new favorite activities is going to the movie alone and bawling my eyes out in the back (Time Travelers Wife: serious tear jerker!)
But this is not the point of this blog. This is simply a back story to my anxiety. So me and Mr. Perfect still talk every night...well every night until recently. We are living in this disgusting illusion of friendship. And I must say...It is seriously taking its toll on my emotional health. See the problem with this rosy picture that he tries to paint is that....Im in love with him. I dont want to be friends with someone that I love. If I were ever to find out he was with someone else....oh lordy. I mean I know its bound to happen, hes not going to be alone forever. But I dont want to talk to him about it. I want to hear something like that through rumors. Not from the horse's mouth.
And to make matters worse, we went out last week. It was sooooo hard. All night I was looking at him with such love. Damn Yall he is handsome. So very handsome. Then when the night was over I kissed him. I know, I know, I'm just adding to my suffering. But I couldnt help it. Then something crazy happened! He told me he loved me. That is the first time he has said it in two long months. What does it mean?!
Well anyway back to the anxiety. So for the next few days things fell back into the pattern of "friendship". But for the past three days I have gone with no phone calls. Three long nights of wondering. Three long nights of telling myself that this is for the better.
Deep down inside I know that even though my life is lonely now soon there will be someone else. Deep down inside I know that I deserve something better. So now comes the hard part of discerning what I want, and what I need. And all the while I cant stop thinking that he hasnt called me for the last three days because he has found someone else. And that just makes me feel empty.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Optimism Comes With a Little R&R

Last night, after work, me and Megan(awesome friend extrodanare and future roomate) were sitting in my car enjoying a little smoke down. We got to talking about last summer when I spained my ankle. Its a really funny story. I had gone to a wedding with a few of my work friends and we proceeded to get ten shades of drunk. Then we went back to someones apartment and decided it would be a blast to go skinny dipping in the public apartment pool. It did prove to be pretty fun. But anyway we got caught and we all had to jump over the fence and skatter. Well I jumped over the fence and horribly sprained my ankle. I then limped back to my friends house proclaiming I had broke my foot (drunk paranoia!).It was fun times.

But anyway after me and Meg finished the joint I headed home.On my long drive home(my mom lives out in the country) I began to think. First of all I began to wonder why my life used to be so exciting and now it is so boring. In my past I have painted the town red a few(hundred)times. And now all I do is work and sit around with my mom and watch CSI. But then I began to think about something else. Everyone is going to have downtime in their life. I've had really fun and exciting times, Ive had really stressful and uncomfortable times, and now I think I am in a stage in my life were rest and relaxation are key. There arent too many times like this in life. I will start grad school soon and that will quickly end all of this downtime. So instead of whining about how crappy my life is, I need to enjoy this. No one wants anything from me, I dont have the stress of a relationship, I dont have the stress of rent, and I dont have the stress of school.

So, in honor of this revelation I've decided to do exactly that. I havent had a day off work since last Tuesday(I've been really trying to pile a savings) and I was going to go in and pick up a shift tonight as well. But fuck that. I'm going to the liquor store to grab a bottle of rum, then Im gonna roll a fatty and then I'm gonna lay outside to bake like a lamb in the oven! Things are looking up today!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Strawberry Shortcake, Three Berry Pie and Nudity

Ok, so living with my mother is not as horrible as one might imagine. But as always there are pros and cons...
Pro: I have the basement completely to myself (somehow living in the basement makes it seem kind of I'm some forty year old dude looking up kiddy porn in my moms basement...eww, I digress)
Pro: I get to save alot of money (saving money always good).
Con: no privacy (some how knowing that your mom is upstairs makes everything feel weird).
Pro: a big backyard great for tanning (a daquiri,a joint, a book, and the sun...heaven!).
Con: the constant supply of food. Now this one may seem like it should be a Pro. But trust me it isnt. When you are a poor college kid eating once a day and studying all night (though that is completely unhealthy)...your bod's pretty rockin! When you are somebody who lives with your mom...its a daily struggle of dodging three large home cooked meals. And to make matters worse, my mom loves to bake extravagant, fatty things. For example, the other day, after I had just smoked a joint, my mom comes to me with homemade strawberry shortcake....hello, delicious! Then yesterday she told me that she was going to make a three berry pie...mouthwatering. At this rate, by the time my 90 days are up nobody is going to want to have sex with me! I'm a single woman now, I gotta keep the package tight!(Not that I would ever date a man who only cared about what I looked like, its just fun to make people swoon!)

Unfortunately there is one more Con. The decision concerning my living situation was set in stone the other night. Picture this...its late at are down in your mom's basement enjoying a book...then all of the sudden you are struck with an extreme dehydration, you need water travel up the stairs...its eerily quiet in the house...the horror movie music flares up in the background as you reach the top of the stairs because there, wandering around the living room is your NAKED MOTHER!!! Ladies and gentlemen, I saw my future...and it was not cool. Time to move out I'd say.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Morning Coffee Contemplation

It is rainy today...which kind of sucks because I can't smoke a cigarette while I drink this cup of coffee(I prefer all my vices at once in the morning). Today is shaping up to be a bad day already. Last night all I dreamt about was sex. It was one of those weird nights where I dreamt a million different little dreams instead of one big one. All my dreams were different scenarios, that all ended the same way! It was like reading a hundred Harlequin books. The plots were bad and my mind was skipping to the sex parts! I woke up half humping myself while the cat was looking at his empty dish and howling. Good Morning America!

I talked to Mr. Perfect on the phone last night. Yes, we talk on the phone every night. I know its not proper break-up etiquette. Every night I tell myself I'm not going to answer...I try really hard....but in the end who am I kidding? I know its not healthy to keep answering the phone but I cant help it. Am I waiting for some fairytale ending? Do I think that one night he is going to call me and say he cant live without me another minute? Or is it just a crutch of self pity. Every time he calls I cant help but to feel that pang of "woe is me". Is that what I want? More reasons to stay locked up in the house, smoking weed and being depressed. Nobody expects anything from you when your in a state of depression.

Hmm. Well more on this later. Today I have a fun filled day of rainy activities. love...then work. With a schedule like that who couldn't escape depression?

Monday, August 3, 2009

The end of the begining

Ok so I'm not 100% sure whether I am happy to be a blogger or I have hit rock bottom. On the one side I am happy to have something to do. I am happy to finally verbalize my story, even though the right people will probably never read this. But then on the other side my life is just lonely and boring and this is the only thing I have to do with my time now.
Whatever the reason for my crap being aired to the world, hopefully someone will read this and feel some what enriched in having done so.

My story starts in a sickening cliche way. With, of course, a broken heart. Men are scum...the whole nine yards. I have only ever been in two serious relationships and in both situations my love was extremely one-sided. With the first I was cheated on and emotionally beat down on the regular. That one lasted about four years. The day I broke up with him was one of those rare days when the world feels like its at your feet. I remember driving in my car in late spring. The sun was shining and the clouds were smiling like my friends. I had no trouble unpacking my things and adjusting to my new apartment. Life had unfolded into a happy road of stress-free, me-loving existence.

During this time I lived all by my lonesome in a fourth story sprawling apartment in the semi-ghetto. I was an independent happy woman who only had to worry about myself. I slept around and partied every night with my best friend. I could use men easily because I held no affection for commitment after the nightmare of a relationship I had just left.
Then started to take guitar lessons with a man I'd known my whole life. I tried to stay out of a relationship but in the end I fell absolutely in love with him. I still absolutely love him. We got engaged sometime last year before I left to go to Italy. Then things happen...and before you know it I'm coming back from a trip to New York only to empty my things out of our mutual apartment.

I spent a long few weeks slowly unpacking the bags at my mother's house. And now here I am. 23, fresh out of college, alone, and living with my mother. I think about my ex fiancee at least twice a day. Trying to forget the way his smile looks, or the way he laughs. But that is neither here nor there. It is time to move on. Time to use this experience to become a better person. To grow and learn. If this had happened a couple of years ago I would have drowned myself in the affection of men. Using them and never calling them back. But this time will be different. So I propose this.... 90 days of celibacy. No sexual contact with men in any way shape or form. I need to get over my ex and find the love for myself again. And in order to do this I need to cut the temptation out all together.

It hasn't been easy so far. I've been known to be quite the wicked woman. My ex fiancee is the only man I've every truly behaved for effortlessly. I love him. But anyway, in my wilder days I was known to break a heart, or two (or three!). I've been misbehaving alot lately and that needs to end. I stay in contact with my first ex...which we will call Asshole....and we started hanging out again after my colossal break up with Mr. Perfect. Asshole assumed that it was destiny that I returned to him alone....puke....I think that deep down inside I just needed someone to tell me that I was great. And he is certainly good for that. If I can say nothing else about him I can say that he truly worships me. All the time I wish that Mr. Perfect would feel that way, not Asshole.

But anyway, a few weeks ago I slipped up huge and had sex with Asshole. Total, total mistake. I was lonely without Mr. Perfect. So then Asshole thought we were going to get back together and I didn't know how to tell him I was kinda using him. Ok and for this next part you cant judge then I kind of asked out Assholes best friend. Witchy Woman!! I don't know what got into me!!! I guess I just have no qualms about getting what I want. But Asshole found out and now I feel really guilty about it. So now its 90 days our bust! I need to stay away from men if I'm gonna have any moral fiber left.